Five Poems on Filipino LaughterPaolo Tiausas

Cry-Laugh

No one cries with nothing worth crying about,

but people laugh with no laughing matters.

We’re so used to it, this history

tight-lipped about the so-called

non-necessities, for example,

the laughter bursting

from the first datu making out the helmet

of the visiting colonizer—what’s with that?

So much hunger to have made the pot a hat.

Or maybe, the first time the priest missed

his most venerated Sunday sermon: the word

out on the plaza, he must’ve thought lizard eggs

were the spices their kind were sailing for.

The kids they placed their quiet bets

on the friar’s soon-to-sprout reptilian tail.

Siesta time, when young women met up

to wisely crack some crooked proverbs.

What is grass good for, if the horse is you.

There’s a will, I still don’t like that way.

If the blanket’s short, you’re much too tall.

And a favorite: if someone throws stones,

respond by throwing rusted hammers.

As if to say: maybe no one had laughter

to spare in the breaking tension, the war,

but we’re not really sure. At least one

katipunero shot one last punchline

before resting a finger on the trigger.

A giggle’s universal when a voice cracks,

more so if it’s the general everyone hates.

A lexicon of jokes for every conqueror.

A new laughter for every traitor.

The throbbing, grieving chapters don’t end

without tears metamorphosing into laughter.

So we move along the grit teeth and excess spit

of yet another oppressive, third-world

luck or lack of it,

but we live with the oaths

of laughter we keep close, as if light

surviving the stars some milleniia dead,

as if something to prove

to whoever listening,

knock knock, knock knock.

This isn’t really a joke,

yet I’m cracking up. Knock knock.

Iyak-Tawa

Walang iiyak kung walang nakakaiyak

pero may tatawa kahit walang nakakatawa.

Sa ating nakasanayan, ang kasaysayan

ay pagkubli ng katotohanang tinuringang

hindi mahalaga, halimbawa,

ang halakhak

ng unang datu na nakakita ng suot na helmet

ng bisitang kolonisador—bakit ganoon?

Sobrang patay-gutom, nagsuot ng kaldero.

O kaya, noong unang beses na hindi sumipot

ang pari sa kaniyang lingguhang sermon:

ang sabi-sabi sa plaza, akala’y pambudbod

sa ulam ang nakitang mga itlog ng butiki.

May palihim na pustahan ang mga bata

kung tutubuan ng isang buntot ang kura.

May ilang dalagang nagkikita tuwing siesta

upang timplahin ang balikong salawikain.

Aanhin pa ang damo, kung ikaw ang kabayo.

Kahit magtiyaga, ayaw ko pa rin ng nilaga.

Kapag maiksi ang kumot, e ’di matangkad ka.

At ang paborito: kapag binato ka ng bato,

batuhin mo ng kinakalawang na martilyo.

Ibig lang sabihin: marahil walang tumatawa

noong dumidiin ang tensiyon, ang giyera,

pero hindi tayo sigurado. May kahit isang

katipunero na mamimilit ng huling hirit

bago ipahinga ang hintuturo sa gatilyo.

Unibersal ang kiliti sa seryosong pumiyok,

lalo kung mayabang na heneral o sundalo.

Isang lexicon ng biro sa bawat mananakop.

Isang bagong halakhak sa bawat traydor.

Hindi lalampas ang mahapding kabanata

ng wala ang metamorposis ng iyak-tawa.

Tumatawid lang tayo sa buwisit at ligalig

ng mapang-aping pang-ikatlong-daigig

na tiyamba

pero nabubuhay tayo sa taglay

na pangako ng tawanan na tila liwanag

ng bituing ilang milenyo nang pumanaw,

tila patunay sa

sino man na nakikinig,

tao po, tao po, tao po.

Hindi po ito biro,

pero natatawa ako. Tao po.

---

Laugh It Off

Instead of minding the history that led to the decision to just laugh it off.

Laugh it off instead of asking for your change from the jeepney driver. Laugh it off

instead of accosting the motorcycle that nearly hit the dog jogging the crosswalk.

Laugh it off instead of saying no alcohol. Just laugh it off, their unpaid debts.

Laugh it off instead of explaining to your dear friend that we’ve moved past

using those words, just laugh it off rather than risk having your secrets exposed.

Don’t give up, just laugh it off. Laugh it off rather than be seen as sheltered,

laugh it off rather than put the fate of your life into uncalloused hands.

Just laugh, it’s better than unhappiness. Not that happiness equates with laughter.

Laugh it off instead of hearing again the old cautionary tale of the cruel seas

in the mind, the almost-capsized boats, the lightning and the demons and

the whirlpools, while every night your brain throbs like soft fruit being crushed.

Laugh it off instead of being serious, which isn’t the same as laughing it off rather

than being taken seriously. Laugh it off rather than swallow a breakup. Laugh it off

rather than shoot the winged heart escaping this designated crying room.

Laugh it off rather than tell my parents that I really, really, really love them.

Laugh it off instead of crying it off. Laugh it off rather than be meat or fruit or pencil

or envelope whose addresses were left blank, laugh it off instead of being a tire

puncture, laugh it off instead of being the abandoned plushie on the overpass.

Laugh it off instead of challenging the lord. Laugh it off instead of challenging

all your friends. Laugh it off instead of challenging the world and its wiry limbs

unrelenting on your right to exist. Laugh it off instead of being gun nor bomb.

Laugh it off rather than get laughed at. Laugh it off instead of a cholesterol heart.

Laugh it off instead of having laughed it off. Laugh it off instead of sailing as

a paper boat this world both storm and dark, already past and already future,

as much fire as it is salt. Laugh it off rather than be echo, rather than silence.

Laugh it off instead of almost being a poem. Laugh it off, otherwise pop.

Tawa na Lang

Kaysa unawain ang isang kasaysayang nailuwal bago magdesisyong tumawa na lang.

Tawa na lang kaysa hingiin kay Tatang ang sukli sa jeep. Tawa na lang kaysa sitahin

ang motor na muntik nang mabundol iyong aso na tumatawid sa pedestrian lane.

Tawa na lang kaysa humindi sa alak. Tawa na lang kaysa singilin ang lumang utang.

Tawa na lang kaysa sabihan ang kaibigan na hindi na tayo gumagamit ng ganyang

mga salita, tawa na lang kaysa malagay sa peligro ang mga lihim na ipinagkatiwala.

Tawa na lang kaysa sumuko. Tawa na lang kaysa mapagkamalang walang diskarte,

kaysa iasa ang kinabukasan sa mga kamay na hindi kailanman naging magaspang.

Tawa na lang, kaysa naman hindi masaya. Hindi naman sa magkatumbas ang saya

sa pagtawa. Tawa na lang kaysa marinig na naman ang sermon ukol sa mga dagat

sa isip, ang mga barkong nanganganib tumaob, ang mga kidlat at mga halimaw at

mga uliuli habang sa gabi-gabi napipisa ang ulo hanggang sa kumatas tila kamatis.

Tawa na lang kaysa maging seryoso, na ibang-iba sa tawa na lang kaysa seryosohin.

Tawa na lang kaysa lunukin ang bato ng hiwalayan. Tawa na lang kaysa tiradurin

ang pusong nagkapakpak at pumapagaspas palayo rito sa iniiyakang palikuran.

Tawa na lang kaysa sabihin sa magulang ko na mahal na mahal na mahal ko sila.

Tawa na lang kaysa umiyak. Tawa na lang kaysa maging karne o prutas o lapis

o sobreng tanging patlang ang nakasulat kaysa sa kahit anong address, tawa na lang

kaysa maging butas ng gulong, tawa na lang kaysa maging inabandonang stuffed toy

sa overpass. Tawa na lang kaysa hamunin ang diyos. Tawa na lang kaysa hamunin

ang mga kaibigan. Tawa na lang kaysa hamunin ang mundo at ang mga galamay nito

na hindi kinikilala ang karapatan mo. Tawa na lang kaysa maging baril, maging bomba.

Tawa na lang kaysa mapagtawanan ulit. Tawa na lang kaysa atakihin ng taba sa puso.

Tawa na lang kaysa tumawa na lang. Tawa na lang kaysa maging papel na bangkang

pumapalaot sa ilog na sabay nang bagyo at dilim, sabay nang nakaraan at kinabukasan,

sabay nang apoy at asin. Tawa na lang kaysa maging alingawngaw, kaysa manahimik.

Tawa na lang kaysa maging halos tula. Tawa na lang kaysa maging bula.

---

When There’s Nothing Funny

There’s a tikbalang being adopted,

a congratulations tarpaulin hung

for a lawyer who failed their exams,

a patch of moss, a signature penned

on a malevolent contract, an old hammer

kindly beheaded by a crooked nail,

a deformed kettle that breaks from

its handle and spills its substance

and scalds already-sore arms,

a traffic enforcer, a surprise fire drill,

a humming hunger, a weeping crow,

a trigger pulled among the fields,

but when there’s nothing funny,

there’s a hand to hold, a dry stair step

in the path that’s always wet,

a bowl of sour broth in the fridge,

a song by the dripping faucet doubling

as a reminder for unpaid bills,

a new jacket and then socks with holes,

a leaf resting beside a park bench,

an umbrella, an apple mom brought home,

a medicine bottle from an old pharmacy,

a salary bonus notification, overtime pay,

the ghost in this shell of a room’s on leave,

and a young girl prepares the crux of her joke:

and when there’s nothing funny . . .

Tuwing Walang Nakakatawa

May pinapaampon na tikbalang,

may binabalandrang congrats na tarpolin

sa hindi pumasang maging abogado,

may lumot, may lagda sa kontratang lubos

ang pagkagahaman, may lumang martilyo

na mapupugutan ng balikong pako,

may takureng butás at matatanggalan

ng bandáng hawakan kaya matatapon

ang lamang likido sa ngawít nang braso,

may traffic enforcer, may biglaang fire drill,

may ugong ng gutom, may daing ng uwak,

may kakalabiting gatilyo sa bukid,

pero tuwing wala nang nakakatawa,

may kamay pangsagip, may natuyong hagdan

doon sa daanang laging nanganganib,

may tirang sinigang doon sa pridyeder,

may awit ang tubig sa patak ng gripong

nagpapaalala ng mga bayarin,

may bagong pangginaw at butas na medyas,

may dahong dadapo sa tabi ng bangkô,

may payong, may uwing mansanas ang nanay,

may nabiling gamot sa lumang botika,

may 13th month pay na, may bayad ang OT,

naka-leave sa wakas ang multo sa silid,

may dalagang handang magbitiw ng hirit:

at sa tuwing wala nang nakakatawa . . .

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Had to Laugh First

And now, a few afternoon commercials from the gruesome

orderliness of the waking world. The crosswalks remain mere

suggestions. Whenever possible, people overstep the lines

meant to evoke any kind of guidance. It’s intentional how

they stick the candy wrappers into gutter holes, as if plugging

off the stench, as if subscribing to the arbitrary feud between

nature and mankind. Two elementary school boys learn

to nick purses out of pockets, learn to run for their lives.

A store worker rolls her eyes at an otherwise polite lady.

A motorcycle runs into one half of a walking, loving couple,

a brawl almost erupts. A bouquet of balloons are being sold,

as well as tofu pudding, then a blind man, a knocking on a car

window in the EDSA-Ortigas intersection, a singular voice howling

in front of the church, a cellphone capturing it on video.

Spit launches from a man on the overpass and splats

the umbrella of a woman lugging a bag of rice cakes for sale.

It’s that kind of season, really. Later, we’ll interview

a worker who stomachs a commute from Binangongan

to Bicutan every morning and every night, we’ll ask him

if he dreams anything besides bullet-speed jeepneys

immune from prowling enforcers or accident statistics.

But before that, we snacked on some roasted garlic peanuts,

wished for pearl coolers. And before that, we tried feeling out

the house keys in our bag, tried to luck out some coins

ready for rediscovery. And before that, we blinked a moment

of fear when we couldn’t find neither wallet nor coin purse.

And before all that, we considered never laughing again.

Inuna ang Tawa

At ngayon, ilang patalastas panghapon mula sa nakagigimbal

na kaayusan dito sa lupang ibabaw. Nananatiling mungkahi

ang mga tawiran. Hangga’t maaari, sinasaway ang linyang

nagtatakda ng kahit aling dapat sundan. Sadyang sinusuksok

ang mga pinambalot sa butas sa alulod, tila ba kinukulong

doon ang sangsang, tila ba nalinlang ng artipisyal na hidwaan

sa pagitan ng tao at kalikasan. Dalawang bata sa elementarya

ang natututong manghablot mula bulsa, natututong tumakbo.

Iirapan ng tindera ang magalang naman sanang matanda.

Mabubundol ng motorsiklo ang kalahati ng magkasintahan,

muntik pa ngang maging sapakan. May nagbebenta ng lobo,

may naglalako ng taho, may bulag, may kumakatok sa pinto

ng SUV sa interseksiyon ng EDSA at Ortigas, may sumisigaw

mag-isa sa harap ng simbahan, may nagtututok ng cellphone.

May lalaking dudura mula sa overpass at sasalpak ang laway

sa payong ng aleng may bayong ng ibebenta pang bibingka.

Ganoong lagay ng panahon. Makakapanayam natin mamaya

ang isang manggagawang bumibiyahe pa mula Binangonan

hanggang Bicutan araw-araw at gabi-gabi, tatanungin natin

kung may mga pangarap siya maliban sa matuling jeepney

na hindi tinatablan ng enforcer o estadistika ng aksidente.

Bago iyon, magmemeryenda muna tayo ng adobong mani,

suwerte kung may gulamang katabi. Bago iyon, kakapain

ilang beses ang susi sa bag, sisisirin nang maigi sakaling

may nakaligtaang barya. Bago iyon, panandaliang kikitlin

ng ligalig noong hindi maapuhap ang coin purse at pitaka.

Bago iyon, bahagyang iisipin na hindi na muling tatawa.

---

The Audacity to Laugh

Like you, I walk the path of destruction,

wielding laughter that launches the wings

of some hope with a beak sharper than an atom.

Like you, I’m all too used to this cycle of suffering

and gambling on this cosmic lottery that’s never

shared its winnings, not even throwaway psalms.

And like you, I’m stunned at this wave towering over

the expanse of sky and the parting wishes of stars,

turning on and off the moon’s switch as though

an electric lamp, the city turning into a suggestion.

There are confessions apt for this grand folding

of everything in existence, as there are regrets apt

for keeping in glass jars or origami creased

in pockets, as there are moments yet unavenged

until this too tempered, all too bitter end.

But, again, this bad luck isn’t really new,

it’s mundane as a nap on a night the dreams

keep the limbs restless, the joints sore, and

the scalp bloodied by a scab. And to say it simply,

if this is what our damnation looks like, for a puny

verse mocking this unjust game, it’s kind of lame.

Sorry, nothing here has summoned fear.

Like you, I don’t have gravestones to banner in any

foreseen future, but if ever, if by any chance,

kindly write: he died a person, died with audacity to

hahaha, hahaha because, yes, that’s how it was.

Nakuha Talaga Tumawa

Tulad niyo, binabagtas ko ang landas ng wasák,

tangan-tangan ang pagtawang lunsaran ng pakpak

ng pag-asang matalim pa sa iisang atomo ang tuka.

Tulad niyo, beterano’t sawa ako sa siklo ng pagsubok

at pagtaya sa kosmik na laro ng lotto na ni minsan

hindi pa nagbalato kahit ilang tira-tira na salmo.

At tulad niyo, tulala rin ako rito sa gatore na alon

na binubura sa langit ang huling mensahe ng bituwin,

pinipitik ang pihitan ng buwan tila ba lamparang

de-kuryente, ang lungsod nagiging suhestyon na lang.

Maraming dapat aminin sa ganitong pagtitiklop

ng lahat ng bagay na umiral, maraming panghihinayang

na hahanapan ng garapon o kaya itutupi na origami

sa bulsa, maraming ganti na hindi ko pa nakakamit

kaya pagsisisihan ang hanggang dulong pagtitimpi.

Subalit, muli, pamilyar naman itong tadhanang malas,

kasingkaraniwan lang ng idlip sa gabing kauunat

sa panaginip ay magâ ang kasu-kasuan at mamalasing

may tuyong dugo sa anit. Sa pinakamadaling salita,

nakakaumay kung ito na iyong hagupit na isusukli

sa unang taludtod pa lang na laro ng biro’t uyam.

Wala pa akong naririnig na dapat kong katakutan.

Tulad niyo, wala akong lapidang maipagmamalaki

sa kinabukasan, pero kung sakali at magkataon man,

pakilagay na lang: yumao siyang tao at nakuha pa

mag-hahaha, hahaha kasi noon ay ganoon talaga.

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